On Flying

Cracking wise about the airlines is really low hanging fruit.  Comedians have done it for years, and there are countless online rants about the flying experience.

Here is another one.

Back in the late 90's/early 00's, I traveled 3-4 days a week, probably 40 weeks a year.  For a long time I fantasized about creating a blog- this was pre blog though so I'm exactly sure what the format would have been.  I had a great title for it too:  Airlines!  BAH!  Awesome, no?  In addition to my witty tales of travel I'd also have some sort of map that told you where the closest gas station to the rental car return lots were- something that always plagued me.

That genius idea would likely have become an app and I'd probably live in the Virgin Islands now had I actually done it- this was pre GPS, remember.  Dammit.

I still travel from time to time and am deluded enough to think I am funny, so without further ado, some thoughts on flying:

Travel Time

Here are a couple of word problems for you to solve:

1.  You are at Gate A.  Your plane is scheduled to leave at 5 PM, 30 minutes from now  Suddenly you hear that you are now leaving from Gate Z.  You hurry to Gate Z, arriving at 4:40.  The plane is scheduled to arrive at 5:00, a new crew will need to get on, the plane restocked, passengers disembarked, and passengers reloaded.   What time will the plane will now leave at?

2.  You are told that there is a line of 20 planes in front of yours for takeoff.  How long will the pilot say it will take before you are cleared for takeoff?
2a.  You are told that the plane needs to be deiced before you takeoff.  How long will the pilot say this will take?
2b.  You are told that there is a tornado 5 miles away from the airport and that you'll need to wait for it to either destroy the plane or go somewhere else before you can takeoff.  How long will the pilot say it will take?
2c.  Something just fell off of the underside of the plane the is needed for landing and needs to be replaced.  How long will the repair take?

3.  Your plane is due to depart at 5 and arrive at 7.  You takeoff at 5 and arrive at 6:30, but you have to sit on the runway for 40 minutes because there is another plane at the gate that you are supposed to be at.  When you finally get to get off the plane, will the pilot a) apologize for the delay or b) thank you for flying with them today and say that he hopes you liked the early arrival to your destination?

Answers:

1.  5:30.  Magically they'll be able to do what normally takes an hour in half the time.  Further, the 30 minute delay will only result in a six minute extension of your arrival time.

2.  A few minutes
2a.  A few minutes
2b.  A few minutes (this delay actually happened to me in Texas once- I looked out of the window and yep, there's a tornado alright!)
2c.  A few minutes

3.  B.  You were there 30 minutes early!  Come on, man!

Time to airlines is much different than real life time.  I like that they've tried to offset this a little bit by just embellishing flight times to get rid of "delays" but they're not really fooling anyone.  When you hear a few minutes, expect at least 30 (which technically, is a few).  When you hear 30 minutes, expect an hour.  But you'll still get in only 6 minutes late, unless the gate isn't ready and you have to sit for a few minutes on the runway.  But even then you were only six minutes late!

Are You A Runner Or Are You A Lounger?

My wife is a runner.  If the flight leaves at 5, she'll get to the airport at 4, clear security by 4:15, go hit the restroom, buy some water and a magazine that she won't read cause she'll be asleep in about 5 minutes after boarding, mosey on over to the gate by about 4:45, get on the plane and head on out.

Actually she's not really a runner.  She is just extremely lucky.  Once in a blue moon if you see a short petite 30 something lady running towards a gate, it is probably her.

I am a lounger.  If the flight leaves at 5, if I'm not at the airport in line for security at 3:30, I'm getting all fidgety.  I'll clear security by 3:45, go and check the board to get my flight status, find a bar, have a beer, check the flight status again, gauge the distance from where I am to where the gate is, check my watch, order another beer and ask for the check, fret over the amount of time they're taking to get the check, pay the check, finish the second beer, get to the gate at 4:25 so I'm early for boarding, get on the plane and head on out.

I much prefer being a lounger to a runner.  Its difficult travelling with the opposite type though; the best you can hope for is a compromise.  Which is why I say I want to get there at 3 and settle for 3:30.  See?  "Compromise".

The Queuing Paradox

Every airline has a different method for boarding the plane.  Some use zones, some use zones and sections, as specific as "A5-10", some are by row.  On top of that, folks with children, the infirm and elderly, the Gold, Platinum, Elite, Fuscia, Chartreuse and Lollypop level flyers all get preferred boarding privileges.  It can be confusing.

Except for the fact that the boarding crew does a fairly decent job of explaining all of it as we go.  It is not hard really.  "There is an identifying Letter/Number on your boarding pass.  Look at it now.  When I say that letter/number, you can get on the plane."  

The reality is much much more like: HEY! THERE'S A LINE! PEOPLE ARE GETTING ON THE PLANE NOW!  WHY AM I NOT GETTING ON THE PLANE NOW?!  I BETTER GET ON THE PLANE RIGHT NOW!  LET'S GET IN THAT LINE RIGHT NOW!  OH MY GOD!  WHAT IF THEY LEAVE WITHOUT US? Like lemmings we follow one another until there's a line out in to the concourse before the crew even has called for the Super Grand Poobah level flyers to go ahead and get on board.  Although extremely rare, I love it when the gate crew gets fed up and starts refusing to board people who haven't been given permission to board yet, followed by a stern over the loudspeaker lecture.  

Baggage Roulette

Unless all you have is a single carry on, the airlines will force you to gamble with your baggage each and every time that you fly.  

Some will let you have two bags, some will let you have one.  Some might let you have two, unless it is a full flight in which case you can only have one and gate check the other one.  Some will have two different size allowances and will do random spot checks to see if you "measure up" and charge you outrageous fees to gate check your bag that had you not been spot checked you could have probably gate checked for free (Really.  I saw this boarding a plane in DFW just last week).  Some may have awesome communication between the flight crew and the gate crew, where the plane gang let's them know, "Hey! We're full up down here! Stop sending overhead bags!" while others will let you get all the way down the Jetway, on to the plane, past your seat in 3A all the way down to 34A before kindly announcing that the overheads are now full, stalling you completely in the way of everyone else getting on and generally making life miserable for everyone.  

You may be the biggest teetotaler this side of Branson, but if you bring a bag on to a plane be prepared to gamble.

The Yes or No Game

Unless you are traveling with enough people to fill the row  you're sitting in or you are the last person on the plane, you will have the chance to play the Yes or No game.  

Once you are settled in to your seat, observe your fellow passengers coming towards you down the aisle. Using whatever metrics you desire, decide if you are OK with them sitting next to you ("Yes") or if you'd rather jump out of the plane right then and there than have them sit next to you ("No").

Here are some examples:

• Holding an infant- Automatic NO
• Slept in your clothes last night and smelling of vodka, NYET
• Came straight from the oil fields ready to fly back to civilization, get drunk, and find a hooker- Just Slide On By On That Oil  You're Trailing Behind You There, Slick
• If you are even close to my size- Hell NO
• Hauling two bags, a purse, a pillow, a skateboard and a giant parka while wearing what appear to be your pajamas- Please, NO
• 6 year old flying for the first time by yourself to see Grandma- That's So Sweet, Honey, NO
• Carrying a bag from any restaurant that sells anything remotely exotic or smelly- Heavens NO
• Looking like you've never flown before or haven't flown in about 50 years- Thank You, NO
• Carrying a skillet and fork and preparations to make your own meal- Really Intriguing And I Have A Lot Of Questions For You, But I'm Gonna Have To Say NO

Let anyone think I'm embellishing my examples I submit Exhibit A:  Pot and Pan Girl, taken at Denver International Airport , June 2015 by yours truly

• Anyone close to my wife's size- Sure, YES
• Tall and thin- Slide On In There, Slim
• Cute blonde slightly tipsy CoEd flying for the first time- YEP
• (For the ladies lest I get in trouble) Cute slightly tipsy Chippendales dancer flying for the first time- Not My Thing, But Sure
• Seasoned business traveler carrying their carry on in one hand and laptop bag in the other, ready to stow them, sit, and be prepared to fly in seconds with surgical precision- There Are A Lot Of Other Considerations On This One, But I'll Give You A Tentative Yes.
• Newlyweds- You'll Be So Busy Paying Attention To Each Other That You Won't Have Time To Bother Me Plus You'll Probably Cuddle And Give Me More Room But Just Don't Fight And I'll Say Yes

Next time you fly, try the Yes or No game and see if you win!

Reclining Seat

Seriously.  Why in the fuck do they even make reclining seats on airplanes any more?  We've sliced and diced legroom down to the point where my 5' tall wife feels a little cramped but we're still totally cool with allowing Bruno The Biker in front of me to put his head in my lap for 4 hours.

Getting Off

You made it.  It's time to get off of the plane.  Simple right?

Not really.  To me this all comes down to numbers and letters folks.  If you are in seat 1C, you are first off of the plane, followed by 1B, 1A, 1D, E, and F, followed by 2C and so on.  This makes by far the most sense.  The rest of us can queue up behind you if we'd like:  all the C folks get on up, stretch your legs, B folks slide on over to the C seat and get yourself ready.  And then some jackass in a D seat jumps out in to the aisle, forms a wall, and lets E and F out too and all hell breaks loose.  The guy in 3A is now frantically doing his impression of a salmon swimming upstream to get his bag in row 34, the lady in 10B is screeching about her connecting flight on the next concourse over that leaves on time in 10 minutes (your flight was on time too by the way- why do airlines allow connections that are simply impossible to make?).  The person in front of you pops up to grab their bag, misjudges the weight even though they packed it, loses control for a second and bangs you on the head with it.  And the flight attendants just sit back and laaaauuuggghhh at us all.

Airlines! BAH!